LIFE AND ME PART 4
Well you've had time to digest the last sentence of part three, what do you mean you haven't read it yet ! RIGHT , PUT THIS DOWN and go and read parts 1/2&3 immediately, excuse me for shouting but I'm spending lockdown time pouring my heart out to the world and you ignore it , That's it I'm not carrying on until you've read it , and don't cheat there'll be a quiz at the end ========================== =========================================================
oh good you're back , you see, it was worth it, now continue .
OK where were we, Isle of Man 1967 summer season and I've just done my impression of Al Pacino in the Godfather Pt 1, (It's the scene where he's in hiding in Corleone ,Sicily having shot Captain McCluskey the bent copper who was trying to get his father killed, During a walk in the countryside he see's a local girl Appolonia and gets 'colpito da un Fulmina' (struck by lightning ) I wasn't in Sicily I was in Douglas , I'd done a show at the theatre followed by a late gig at one of the local pubs , a couple of gags, a bit of music and a song and dance to finish and I'd gone to the Casino Cabaret club to relax and see the show, Dancers, Compere, Magic act ,Singers, not a bad show but there was a girl in the show I couldn't take my eyes off, she was a singer and assisted the magician, long blonde hair, beautiful face, legs that never stopped and a body that would have persuaded any model to commit a capital crime just to borrow it for a day !.
OK where were we, Isle of Man 1967 summer season and I've just done my impression of Al Pacino in the Godfather Pt 1, (It's the scene where he's in hiding in Corleone ,Sicily having shot Captain McCluskey the bent copper who was trying to get his father killed, During a walk in the countryside he see's a local girl Appolonia and gets 'colpito da un Fulmina' (struck by lightning ) I wasn't in Sicily I was in Douglas , I'd done a show at the theatre followed by a late gig at one of the local pubs , a couple of gags, a bit of music and a song and dance to finish and I'd gone to the Casino Cabaret club to relax and see the show, Dancers, Compere, Magic act ,Singers, not a bad show but there was a girl in the show I couldn't take my eyes off, she was a singer and assisted the magician, long blonde hair, beautiful face, legs that never stopped and a body that would have persuaded any model to commit a capital crime just to borrow it for a day !.
I managed to meet her after the show and not only didn't she run for the hills but we got on really well , there was a mutual attraction and after that meeting not only did we spend every moment in each others company we started rehearsing a double act so that we could work together after the season .
Back to the mainland at the end of the season, Lorraine and I had some clubs booked so I bought a car, I'm embarrassed to say it was a Vauxhall Viva, --don't judge me ! The insurance was cheap but it carried our costumes and instruments . With her voice and personality interspersed with my impressions, music and other stuff we had good work and enjoyed a lot of success but then life slaps you with a wet sock and reminds you not to be so cocky !!!
Back to the mainland at the end of the season, Lorraine and I had some clubs booked so I bought a car, I'm embarrassed to say it was a Vauxhall Viva, --don't judge me ! The insurance was cheap but it carried our costumes and instruments . With her voice and personality interspersed with my impressions, music and other stuff we had good work and enjoyed a lot of success but then life slaps you with a wet sock and reminds you not to be so cocky !!!
For Xmas and New Year we were booked to a club in South Wales a large restaurant with a stage and a 4 piece band, we had a flat upstairs with meals provided for the 10 days over the holidays , sounded perfect so off we went.
On xmas eve after the show we joined the customers and staff for the Xmas party had a lovely time and at 12.00 wished everyone merry xmas and went to bed , Next day the place was a ghost town , no show on Xmas day, all the staff had the day off and had forgotten that we were in the building ! Eventually when we realised what had happened we made our way down to the kitchen which apart from condiments, spices, pots and pans was empty, it wasn't worth going out as nothing would have been open , we didn't know where the boss or any of the staff lived and I was worried that maybe the doors were alarmed, if we set them off and the police came out I wasn't too sure of the outcome. Eventually we found some frozen peas in a fridge and a few packets of crisps and that was our Xmas dinner.
We finished on New Years Eve with an early show so decided that we would drive to North wales after the show , Lorraine lived in Rhyl which was a 4=5 hour drive and with a little luck we could be there to see in the new year, Do you remember the wet sock ? Well it made an encore, The journey took us through the Brecon Beacons which has a few hills , it was bitter cold and halfway up one of the hills the car decided to stop , I didn't have any tools so it was useless looking for the problem, we'd driven through a village at the bottom of the hill but that was a couple of miles back and finding a mechanic on New Years Eve was going to be an impossible task so with no other choice we welcomed in 1968 not with a celebratory drink but bedded down on the back seat of a Vauxhall Viva in the freezing cold under whatever coats and jumpers we had. We eventually rolled into Rhyl after lunch on new years day cold miserable and hungry , the signs didn't bode well for the rest of the year which was prophetic .
After the xmas trauma we went back to the club circuit and signed for a summer season but somewhere along the way we fell apart, while we had been in Rhyl she had met an old flame and slowly the fire had re-ignited , we decided to part after the season in New Brighton and got separate digs in the town, She was totally professional during the show but we had very little contact outside the theatre, it was all very agreeable until my 21stbirthday which was as miserable and depressing as a day could get, I was still in completely and utterly in love with her but had stepped aside without a word, I'd done what I thought was the right thing to do but it hurt like hell and set me and my shaky emotional state back behind our wall , it would be a long, long time before I stepped out from behind that wall again.
On xmas eve after the show we joined the customers and staff for the Xmas party had a lovely time and at 12.00 wished everyone merry xmas and went to bed , Next day the place was a ghost town , no show on Xmas day, all the staff had the day off and had forgotten that we were in the building ! Eventually when we realised what had happened we made our way down to the kitchen which apart from condiments, spices, pots and pans was empty, it wasn't worth going out as nothing would have been open , we didn't know where the boss or any of the staff lived and I was worried that maybe the doors were alarmed, if we set them off and the police came out I wasn't too sure of the outcome. Eventually we found some frozen peas in a fridge and a few packets of crisps and that was our Xmas dinner.
We finished on New Years Eve with an early show so decided that we would drive to North wales after the show , Lorraine lived in Rhyl which was a 4=5 hour drive and with a little luck we could be there to see in the new year, Do you remember the wet sock ? Well it made an encore, The journey took us through the Brecon Beacons which has a few hills , it was bitter cold and halfway up one of the hills the car decided to stop , I didn't have any tools so it was useless looking for the problem, we'd driven through a village at the bottom of the hill but that was a couple of miles back and finding a mechanic on New Years Eve was going to be an impossible task so with no other choice we welcomed in 1968 not with a celebratory drink but bedded down on the back seat of a Vauxhall Viva in the freezing cold under whatever coats and jumpers we had. We eventually rolled into Rhyl after lunch on new years day cold miserable and hungry , the signs didn't bode well for the rest of the year which was prophetic .
After the xmas trauma we went back to the club circuit and signed for a summer season but somewhere along the way we fell apart, while we had been in Rhyl she had met an old flame and slowly the fire had re-ignited , we decided to part after the season in New Brighton and got separate digs in the town, She was totally professional during the show but we had very little contact outside the theatre, it was all very agreeable until my 21stbirthday which was as miserable and depressing as a day could get, I was still in completely and utterly in love with her but had stepped aside without a word, I'd done what I thought was the right thing to do but it hurt like hell and set me and my shaky emotional state back behind our wall , it would be a long, long time before I stepped out from behind that wall again.
In the years that followed I was rarely without a companion but as soon as a relationship got anywhere near being serious I would find a way to back off , usually with the “it's me not you “ excuse . In my mind I reasoned that I didn't want to be like my Father, he and my mother were 19 and 17 respectively when they married, she turned 18 in June '47 and I was born in July, when I was 6 months old she found him with another woman, the first of many during their 13 turbulent years together, I didn't want to see anyone hurt the way my mother had been.
I was never a violent character like him but as it turns out I may have been just as bad in other ways, thinking back my selfishness and emotional cowardice caused much harm and hurt many women in my life, none of them deserved it and it is to my great good fortune and their understanding that some of them remained good friends despite my shortcomings and boorish behaviour. To those that were affected I offer a late but sincere apology.
I was never a violent character like him but as it turns out I may have been just as bad in other ways, thinking back my selfishness and emotional cowardice caused much harm and hurt many women in my life, none of them deserved it and it is to my great good fortune and their understanding that some of them remained good friends despite my shortcomings and boorish behaviour. To those that were affected I offer a late but sincere apology.
Getting back to the story , At the height of the New Brighton season I was travelling to Rhyl every Saturday night to compere the Sunday Pop concerts put on at the Pavilion Theatre, Chipperfields Circus was performing there during the week so it was a chance to catch up with some old friends , My cousin Peter Sandow was there as well many others including Timm Delbosq and Dickie Chipperfield Jnr, it was only a 50m journey and the company putting on the shows paid for a small hotel for 2 nights so I would arrive around 10.00 pm go to my cousins caravan where there was usually a party or a poker game and so started a good weekend. This was slightly different to the Morecambe concerts, it was a theatre with a seated ( most of the time ) audience and the bands were more middle of the road as opposed to 'Rock and Roll' groups , during the run we had the Bonzo Dog DooDah Band, Gerry and the Pacemakers, Freddie and the Dreamers and a couple of others all at least twice during the short run, the nearest I ever came to being a star was on Sunday night when Gerry and the Pacemakers were there , after the show I went out of the stage door and a host of fans ( female mostly ) mistook me for Gerry Marsden , OK I was thinner and at a distance through a fog it was an easy mistake to make, but for a few seconds it was quite scary, They started screaming and reaching for me , I was back through the door quicker than Usain Bolt.
Those weekends brightened up what was a miserable season in many ways so at the end I went back on the club circuit , I was in Scotland for a couple of months and enjoyed success not normally afforded to English comedians , one night I did an early show at the Pollock Rangers club followed by a late show at the Celtic supporters club== I survived,
1969 I had an absolutely fabulous season in Cromer ,a beautiful little town on the Norfolk coast with an even more stunning theatre at the end of the pier , well not right at the end, behind the theatre there is a ramp down to the sea for launching the Cromer Lifeboat , that in itself is not newsworthy but there are 2 things attached to that sentence, (1) on arriving in town in the early hours the day before first rehearsal I drove up the coast road and entering the town you can see the pier on the right with ramp at the end , not knowing about the ramp at that time it looked like the pier had collapsed into the sea, this same observation was made by everyone in the cast at some point on the first day, (2) the signal for the life boat to launch is the ignition of a maroon in a big dustbin sized re-inforced barrel , for those who don't know, a maroon is big loud firework with a bang around the decibel rating of a medium sized Naval Cannon . We, that is the cast, knew nothing about this until a few weeks into the season when halfway through the first half of our matinee the maroon was ignited, the pier shook with the reverberations but that was only the beginning, about 2 minutes after the bang there was the sound of a bunch of men running down the pier to man the lifeboat followed by a huge Whooooosh, the sound of the life boat launching, as the footsteps went by the theatre they were followed by the audience who decided that watching the Lifeboat launch was much more entertaining than watching us , I can't really blame them because we ,the cast, were out on the pier watching with them .
That season the top of the bill was a comic called Alan Wells, I was doing my act with a new impressions routine based on old saying that comedians want to be actors and vice-versa, so =Michael Crawford as Hamlet , Laurence Olivier doing knock knock gags etc, Tommy Cooper as Romeo was my favourite , anyway the day after the first show the local paper printed a review of the show and I came out of it really well , I went the the theatre for the show with some trepidation, when the Top of the Bill gets upstaged by the junior comic it's usually the start of an uncomfortable season , As I walked in the first person I met was Alan and he could not have been nicer , We were doing a couple of sketches together, The Golfer which was a Sid Fields classic and 'Dinner for One' made famous by Freddie Frinton, in both of them I was the straight man but in an unprecedented gesture Alan suggested that we could swap roles occasionally to give me a bigger profile in the show, Alan was a wonderful comedian and working together in this way was a powerful and intense education in comedy, we met a few times over subsequent years and when I got the starring role in the Whitehall Theatre in 'Pyjama Tops' he sent me a beautiful note of congratulations . A real Gentleman and a true professional, It's no exaggeration to say that he changed my comedic life.
On the personal side I was dating , what an old fashioned word that is ,I was always chatting up the dancers and was very rarely alone but the wall was still there to hide behind when I needed it.
July 29thwas a momentous day , the Moon landing was on TV and my interest in astronomy and physics had been growing since the Kennedy speech about “Putting a man on the moon before the end of the decade” and to this day it has never faded , I like to think that If I had my time again I would try to get a better education and follow that route but then I remember, Scientist don't get many laughs .
The end of another season a few clubs and back home to Barons Court where my brother now a whole 3 years old had tripped over a small footstool shaped like a Camel and broken his arm , luckily the Charing Cross Hospital on the Fulham Palace Rd
Those weekends brightened up what was a miserable season in many ways so at the end I went back on the club circuit , I was in Scotland for a couple of months and enjoyed success not normally afforded to English comedians , one night I did an early show at the Pollock Rangers club followed by a late show at the Celtic supporters club== I survived,
1969 I had an absolutely fabulous season in Cromer ,a beautiful little town on the Norfolk coast with an even more stunning theatre at the end of the pier , well not right at the end, behind the theatre there is a ramp down to the sea for launching the Cromer Lifeboat , that in itself is not newsworthy but there are 2 things attached to that sentence, (1) on arriving in town in the early hours the day before first rehearsal I drove up the coast road and entering the town you can see the pier on the right with ramp at the end , not knowing about the ramp at that time it looked like the pier had collapsed into the sea, this same observation was made by everyone in the cast at some point on the first day, (2) the signal for the life boat to launch is the ignition of a maroon in a big dustbin sized re-inforced barrel , for those who don't know, a maroon is big loud firework with a bang around the decibel rating of a medium sized Naval Cannon . We, that is the cast, knew nothing about this until a few weeks into the season when halfway through the first half of our matinee the maroon was ignited, the pier shook with the reverberations but that was only the beginning, about 2 minutes after the bang there was the sound of a bunch of men running down the pier to man the lifeboat followed by a huge Whooooosh, the sound of the life boat launching, as the footsteps went by the theatre they were followed by the audience who decided that watching the Lifeboat launch was much more entertaining than watching us , I can't really blame them because we ,the cast, were out on the pier watching with them .
That season the top of the bill was a comic called Alan Wells, I was doing my act with a new impressions routine based on old saying that comedians want to be actors and vice-versa, so =Michael Crawford as Hamlet , Laurence Olivier doing knock knock gags etc, Tommy Cooper as Romeo was my favourite , anyway the day after the first show the local paper printed a review of the show and I came out of it really well , I went the the theatre for the show with some trepidation, when the Top of the Bill gets upstaged by the junior comic it's usually the start of an uncomfortable season , As I walked in the first person I met was Alan and he could not have been nicer , We were doing a couple of sketches together, The Golfer which was a Sid Fields classic and 'Dinner for One' made famous by Freddie Frinton, in both of them I was the straight man but in an unprecedented gesture Alan suggested that we could swap roles occasionally to give me a bigger profile in the show, Alan was a wonderful comedian and working together in this way was a powerful and intense education in comedy, we met a few times over subsequent years and when I got the starring role in the Whitehall Theatre in 'Pyjama Tops' he sent me a beautiful note of congratulations . A real Gentleman and a true professional, It's no exaggeration to say that he changed my comedic life.
On the personal side I was dating , what an old fashioned word that is ,I was always chatting up the dancers and was very rarely alone but the wall was still there to hide behind when I needed it.
July 29thwas a momentous day , the Moon landing was on TV and my interest in astronomy and physics had been growing since the Kennedy speech about “Putting a man on the moon before the end of the decade” and to this day it has never faded , I like to think that If I had my time again I would try to get a better education and follow that route but then I remember, Scientist don't get many laughs .
The end of another season a few clubs and back home to Barons Court where my brother now a whole 3 years old had tripped over a small footstool shaped like a Camel and broken his arm , luckily the Charing Cross Hospital on the Fulham Palace Rd
was about 5 minutes away so that's where he and mother , who stayed with him 24/7 were ensconced for the duration, he must have enjoyed his time there because as soon as he got home he fell down the stairs and broke his arm again, The only thing we took from that as a family was , physical comedy wasn't his thing .
Pantomime in Gravesend followed, It my first time as 'Buttons' in Cinderella , a part that fitted me like the proverbial glove, more clubs and it was 1970 and off to Ilfracombe for the summer . The show producer was Issy Bonn a jewish singer /comedian who'd had a been a star on the Variety theatres. He was a big man with a big personality who had a quote for every occasion. His best was after an incident involving me and my passion for Golf ! (small interlude for story set-up ) Wherever I was in the country , apart from performing my passions were football and golf , watching one and playing the other , most saturday afternoons in the winter I'd be at a match, and during the summer on the golf course. Ilfracombe was a lovely resort but the nearest golf course was about 20 miles away, no problem I had my car ,a Rover 90 at the time, and off I'd go. For publicity a golf match was arranged with a couple of local journalists and a couple of performers, I was one and therer was a singer from the other theatre in town that was presenting 'The Desert Song ' about 3 evenings a week. Due to bad weather and unavailability of one or the other of us the match kept getting postponed until eventually a note came to the stage door that it was on the next day. We met up were having a good game chatting about different things and about halfway round the reporter with me asked about our show , it was the usual questions and he was getting the usual answers then he asked about the showtimes and I said it was a normal summer season 8 shows a week, once a night Sundays off and matinees Wednesday and Saturday , he went a little quiet and asked what times are the matinees , I said 3.00 I saw the puzzled look on his face and said “it's fine today's Tuesday”, he shook his head looked at his watch and said “no it's Wednesday” and it's 2.15, We were on the back nine of the course but still a long way from the car park, I started running and shouting to him to get my clubs back to me somehow, I got to the car and started the 20 mile journey back to the theatre, 1970 no motorways or dual carriageways, The show opened with a short overture, an opening dance from the chorus girls which blended into a musical scene with a comedy sketch that started about two minutes in , As I pulled up to the theatre and rushed into the stage door I heard the start of the musical number, I ran across behind the back curtain upstairs to my dressing room on the first floor shedding clothes as I went threw my costume on and without make-up ran downstairs to the stage , as I got to the bottom of the stairs I heard my cue for the start of the comedy sketch, I was about 12 ft and a couple of seconds away from the stage but it was the longest couple of seconds of my life , I was late!.
After the show Issy Bonn called the company together and gave me the biggest bollocking ever in front of everyone , he went through the every cliché in the book , how I had disgraced my family ,( he'd worked many times with various Konyots in the variety days ) He closed by saying that there were only two reasons not to be onstage on time , you're either dead or have diahorrea !.
A few weeks later as Issy's opening music played the stage remained empty for quite a while , the orchestra played his intro twice more before he came on and started singing , he had been taking a phone call and not heard his cue , didn't matter, at the end of his act the whole company stood at the side of the stage and threw toilet rolls at him , we had reasoned he wasn't dead so *******, Call it Karma call it Hubris or stuff happens, he took it well and joined in the laugh , a nice man and a real pro .There was one sad note was during the season, my Grandmother Konyot died , a solid rock which our family was built around, she had suffered many operations for cancer but never complained , when you asked how she was the answer was always “ never mind me how are you? “
Come Xmas and I was playing Buttons once more this time at the Hoe theatre in Plymouth ,Cinderella was played again by Mary Pickering a petite litle blonde packed with talent and a lovely voice we worked really well together no romance but we were really good friends . We had a great time especially when, as a publicity opportunity the cast was invited to tour the Plymouth Gin Factory one morning , during the tour we were given samples of their various products, I don't drink gin but they made Vodka as well which suited me perfectly , suffice to say the matinee that day was a little strange , another strange thing happened a few days later , a man walked into my dressing room introduced himself and said I was wasting my time and my talent and I needed a manager , I replied I needed a manager like I needed a hole in the head , didn't he see that my name was at the top of posters all over town , Oh I forgot to say that at some point in my 23 years I had turned into a bit of a pratt , I was a little bit up my own **** and thought I was God's Gift to show business . I know that there are many out there who will say “What do you mean- was “ ?
I will leave it there and try to salvage my pride in part 5
make sure you come back it'll be worth it .
Pantomime in Gravesend followed, It my first time as 'Buttons' in Cinderella , a part that fitted me like the proverbial glove, more clubs and it was 1970 and off to Ilfracombe for the summer . The show producer was Issy Bonn a jewish singer /comedian who'd had a been a star on the Variety theatres. He was a big man with a big personality who had a quote for every occasion. His best was after an incident involving me and my passion for Golf ! (small interlude for story set-up ) Wherever I was in the country , apart from performing my passions were football and golf , watching one and playing the other , most saturday afternoons in the winter I'd be at a match, and during the summer on the golf course. Ilfracombe was a lovely resort but the nearest golf course was about 20 miles away, no problem I had my car ,a Rover 90 at the time, and off I'd go. For publicity a golf match was arranged with a couple of local journalists and a couple of performers, I was one and therer was a singer from the other theatre in town that was presenting 'The Desert Song ' about 3 evenings a week. Due to bad weather and unavailability of one or the other of us the match kept getting postponed until eventually a note came to the stage door that it was on the next day. We met up were having a good game chatting about different things and about halfway round the reporter with me asked about our show , it was the usual questions and he was getting the usual answers then he asked about the showtimes and I said it was a normal summer season 8 shows a week, once a night Sundays off and matinees Wednesday and Saturday , he went a little quiet and asked what times are the matinees , I said 3.00 I saw the puzzled look on his face and said “it's fine today's Tuesday”, he shook his head looked at his watch and said “no it's Wednesday” and it's 2.15, We were on the back nine of the course but still a long way from the car park, I started running and shouting to him to get my clubs back to me somehow, I got to the car and started the 20 mile journey back to the theatre, 1970 no motorways or dual carriageways, The show opened with a short overture, an opening dance from the chorus girls which blended into a musical scene with a comedy sketch that started about two minutes in , As I pulled up to the theatre and rushed into the stage door I heard the start of the musical number, I ran across behind the back curtain upstairs to my dressing room on the first floor shedding clothes as I went threw my costume on and without make-up ran downstairs to the stage , as I got to the bottom of the stairs I heard my cue for the start of the comedy sketch, I was about 12 ft and a couple of seconds away from the stage but it was the longest couple of seconds of my life , I was late!.
After the show Issy Bonn called the company together and gave me the biggest bollocking ever in front of everyone , he went through the every cliché in the book , how I had disgraced my family ,( he'd worked many times with various Konyots in the variety days ) He closed by saying that there were only two reasons not to be onstage on time , you're either dead or have diahorrea !.
A few weeks later as Issy's opening music played the stage remained empty for quite a while , the orchestra played his intro twice more before he came on and started singing , he had been taking a phone call and not heard his cue , didn't matter, at the end of his act the whole company stood at the side of the stage and threw toilet rolls at him , we had reasoned he wasn't dead so *******, Call it Karma call it Hubris or stuff happens, he took it well and joined in the laugh , a nice man and a real pro .There was one sad note was during the season, my Grandmother Konyot died , a solid rock which our family was built around, she had suffered many operations for cancer but never complained , when you asked how she was the answer was always “ never mind me how are you? “
Come Xmas and I was playing Buttons once more this time at the Hoe theatre in Plymouth ,Cinderella was played again by Mary Pickering a petite litle blonde packed with talent and a lovely voice we worked really well together no romance but we were really good friends . We had a great time especially when, as a publicity opportunity the cast was invited to tour the Plymouth Gin Factory one morning , during the tour we were given samples of their various products, I don't drink gin but they made Vodka as well which suited me perfectly , suffice to say the matinee that day was a little strange , another strange thing happened a few days later , a man walked into my dressing room introduced himself and said I was wasting my time and my talent and I needed a manager , I replied I needed a manager like I needed a hole in the head , didn't he see that my name was at the top of posters all over town , Oh I forgot to say that at some point in my 23 years I had turned into a bit of a pratt , I was a little bit up my own **** and thought I was God's Gift to show business . I know that there are many out there who will say “What do you mean- was “ ?
I will leave it there and try to salvage my pride in part 5
make sure you come back it'll be worth it .
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